Anxiety is a bitch.

This morning was a good example of what it’s like for me when I get anxious. Things just weren’t going as expected. My chest felt tight and it still does. I kept forgetting to breathe properly. I didn’t want anyone to sense that I was nervous so I tried to stay calm. I did keep myself from having a panic attack which was definitely an accomplishment. But afterwards I felt frustrated because things didn’t go as planned.

I envy people who are naturally relaxed. I wish I were like that. I can make myself so most of the time and I’m working on not being so tense.

The thing about being an anxious person is that it sneaks up on me when I least expect it. I’m caught off guard in certain situations that I’m not prepared for and this is something else I need to improve on. I can make a whole list of subjects that make me anxious, but I won’t do it.

Bottom line? Even though there are ways to cope with it, anxiety is a bitch.

Thank you.

I just want to thank those of you who are reacting to and reading my blog. It means a lot to have been reunited with my writing muse.

If there are any of you who are surprised because you didn’t know about this part of me, it’s okay. I’ll give you time if you need it. I hope you’ll give me a chance. If not, I’ll try to understand. The scariest part of being so open about who I am is not being able to tell who will stay or walk away. But I’m going to have to learn how to cope with it.

For the past few days, I feel like my brain has exploded with this huge burst of creativity. I have so many ideas that I want to put out there and so much I want to share. It’s honestly a bit overwhelming.

Right now I need a break. I’ve been so busy lately with life that I haven’t really had time to just sit and think. Thankfully I can do that tonight.

I will be back with another entry in a few days or more.

Thank you for reading!

Can anybody see, is anybody waving back at me?

One of my loves is the theatre. My dad was an actor back in the day and directed plays at a high school in Oakland.

I had the privilege of going to see Dear Evan Hansen on tour in San Francisco last year. Unfortunately, I was on the verge of a meltdown at the time. This happens to people like me when we are overwhelmed and there is too much going on. Even though I was an emotional mess, I was very transfixed by this play and its main character. It is heavily implied that he is on the spectrum.

The song called Waving Through A Window from that particular show describes exactly how I feel on a daily basis.

I’m posting parts of the lyrics that really stand out to me. Also, I’m adding a link to a YouTube video of the Tony Awards performance from a few years back.

I’ve learned to slam on the brake
Before I even turn the key
Before I make the mistake
Before I lead with the worst of me

Give them no reason to stare
No slipping up if you slip away
So I got nothing to share
No, I got nothing to say

Step out, step out of the sun
If you keep getting burned
Step out, step out of the sun
Because you’ve learned, because you’ve learned

On the outside, always looking in
Will I ever be more than I’ve always been?
‘Cause I’m tap, tap, tapping on the glass
I’m waving through a window
I try to speak, but nobody can hear
So I wait around for an answer to appear
While I’m watch, watch, watching people pass
I’m waving through a window
Can anybody see, is anybody waving back at me?

We start with stars in our eyes
We start believing that we belong
But every sun doesn’t rise
And no one tells you where you went wrong

When you’re falling in a forest and there’s nobody around
Do you ever really crash, or even make a sound?

Did I even make a sound?
Did I even make a sound?
It’s like I never made a sound
Will I ever make a sound?

https://youtu.be/h9rf5wFq3zk

Eventually I’ll be writing more about this particular play and what it means to me. Because I feel like I have a lot to say about it.

Thanks for reading!

I’m just gonna get straight to the point.

Being autistic DOES NOT mean you are stupid.

Being autistic DOES NOT mean you are incapable of doing things.

Being autistic DOES NOT mean you aren’t smart.

Being autistic DOES NOT mean you are worthless.

Being autistic means that your brain functions differently and that you do things differently than others.

It’s not just autism I’m talking about though. There are different types of learning disabilities.

Unfortunately, there are people who are not going to understand what it’s like to be on the spectrum. Because they don’t want to be open minded and they have no idea how to act around individuals with disabilities. You can pinpoint who these people are because of the energy they give off. Like they can tell there’s something different about you. So they act anxious, fake, condescending or judgmental.

Fortunately, there are going to be people who are curious. Awesome people who will ask, “What is it like for you? Tell me about it!” People who will want to listen to what you have to say. It is these types of people that are worth talking to about it. So focus on those awesome individuals. Because they’re worth it!

Bottom line, even though your brain functions differently, it does not make you any less human. Everyone is different from everyone else, even if they don’t have a learning disability. Focus on spending time with people who make you feel like you can be yourself and not the ones who don’t.

An introduction

A dear friend of mine once suggested I start a blog. I’m not sure why I felt compelled to create one tonight. But I do like to write when ideas come to me.

My name is Molly. I’m 33 years old. I was born and raised in the Bay Area, but I live in Southern Oregon.

Since I am on the spectrum, I will mostly be covering what it is like for me to be autistic and what it’s like to function the way that I do in this world. But I’ll also write about topics that I’m passionate towards.

Thanks for coming on board!